Satire by @NSgreatdictator.
In which Suella Braverman puts the Von Trapps on a plane to Rwanda. In a controversial move the Home Secretary has tracked down surviving members of the Von Trapp family living in Britain and flown them to Rwanda our sources can reveal. The Von Trapps were made famous when they appeared in The Sound of Music, the closing scene of which featured their illegal departure from Nazi occupied Austria.
Rwanda, very much the Schrodinger’s cat of holiday destinations is both so bad the thought of being sent there will act as a deterrent to those wishing to cross the English Channel in the hope of sanctuary and at the same time so good that simply saying it is a terrible place to be sent must be an act of racism.
In order to reinforce the determination of the “British Public” to prevent illegal immigration the minister has decided to punish any and all such acts regardless of when they occurred. The Von Trapps arrived in the UK illegally during the 1960s when flush with the success of The Sound of Music they decided to take advantage of our generous benefits system and hid underneath an HGV delivering Union Jack flags made in Honk Kong. They attended various premieres and award ceremonies as guests of honour, trading on the family name and hoovering up massive amounts of family allowance. This even though they got here without ever having handed their papers over to the border guards on the way out of Austria as was made perfectly clear in the film.
The first Von Trapp descendent to be traced was Cindy Turps, great, great granddaughter of Georg Ludwig Ritter von Trapp. Cindy was seized whilst having her Chakras realigned as part of an initiative by Sainsburys to encourage local businesses to adopt the nectar card. Her Chakras remain dangerously out of whack and she is currently engaged in legal action against the Home Office, Sainsburys and Honest Don’s Tyre Fitting and Reiki Emporium.
Since then, all the Von Trapps have been hunted down and flown out of the country. Their legal counsel read out a statement outside the High Court last night where he described their last minutes on UK soil.
“As the Von Trapps plaintively harmonized the chorus of So Long, Farewell the Home Secretary pressed the stock of a hunting rifle to her shoulder and brought them down with tranquilizer darts like they were escaped chimpanzees in a Pret a Manger. They were then loaded into the cargo hold of an East Jet flight to South Africa ready to be jettisoned, along with the chemical toilet waste, somewhere above their agreed destination.”
The Home office released combative a statement in reply.
“Those Lederhosen wearing Fuck Muppets can fuck off. They left Austria illegally and they’ve come over here enjoying our freedoms. We’ve got the best freedoms in the world. Loads of them too. Tolerance, we’re brilliant at that. They’ve been taking the piss on that front. We’re the most generous country out there. They could have gone to one of those hard-core communist countries like France or somewhere. See how they’d like that.
Any questions?”
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